Detachment during pregnancy
It was as if a switch was flipped the moment I discovered I was pregnant. My mind was racing from the thought that I would be growing this baby inside of me that I didn’t even know I would ever get the chance to even experience. I found out I was pregnant. I was at the end of a contract with a month left and I realized that I had some big decisions to be made regarding continuing on in my career or taking some time to myself while I was pregnant. My then boyfriend at the time and I decided that it would be best if I didn’t go back to work and focus on my pregnancy. I have worked since I was 14 so the idea of taking time off for the next 6 or 7 months of being pregnant to then being home with the baby would mean I wouldn’t be back in the workforce for the next year or so. It was hard to wrap my brain around that. I often couldn't figure out what to do with my time so I found myself detaching from the world and becoming fully engulfed in law and order marathons and playing candy crush. I even stopped going on social media, answering texts or doing my most valued pastimes which was writing.
It was like my brain had shut off that side of myself. I had just found out I was accepted into NYU for my Masters in Social Work but I decided to push school back since I would have had to take time off because of my pregnancy. It was heartbreaking to know I had to push back another dream of mine. I felt lost. I felt overwhelmed and I felt unseen. No one really knew how I felt. I felt alone. This pregnancy signified change to come and something to look forward to and although I was excited to meet my baby I was scared. There were so many unknowns. Until then I was in charge of the decisions that were going on in my life. I was responsible for the way my life was going. The moment I found out I was going to be responsible for a whole other person that I grew myself was just wild to me. I wasn’t ready for this; I didn’t even plan for motherhood all the years before this.
I had come to terms with the idea that I may not ever be able to carry let alone become a mother. I knew in the back of my mind that I could always adopt and had always made room for that for my future; like ten years down the line when I was more financially stable; emotionally stable and not so selfish. Marriage always seemed so far down the line if so at all. For me to go from being this single woman, living in Brooklyn and working in new york city living the dream as they say to now living back on long island with my boyfriend pregnant and no career was a huge shift and emotionally shocking. I froze.
My mind going a mile a minute also glossed over the logical thoughts; the easiest thing for me was to grow apart from it all and I did. I felt my baby kick for the first time and it was surreal. Even then I still felt as if a cloud lived over my head and it was hard for me to make it all seem real. Like my life was about to change significantly yet I played candy crush as if they paid me full time. I watched Olivia Benson chase a criminal like I didn’t see that episode 5 other times. There was so much going on in the world around me and within me yet I still went through the motions emotionless. Stress out about where we would get our next paycheck from in order to pay rent. I guess I felt detaching from it all would send less stress to my baby. I knew that I didn’t want my baby to feel the stress of the world. So many people believe that you are not a mother until you actually birth that child but the moment I found out I was pregnant was the moment I fought for my baby to feel as safe as can be. I wanted my baby to feel safe and loved. That’s why I ate what made me happy, I watched what made me happy.
Looking back I realized I was going through a depression and didn’t have anyone to talk to. My defense mechanism was to shut down my own feelings in order to keep my baby safe. I pushed down those feelings and emotions and unknowingly did that up until years after my baby was born. That’s why I decided I wanted to share my story, a story that is so relatable because there are so many other mamas that have struggled with this and are struggling with this. I honestly don’t know what I could have done differently but at this moment I can say that a community would have felt like a safe space for me to release those emotions and share and grow. My hope with “Call me mama” is to build that community for other mamas to know that they are not alone. With that being said, tune in next week where I talk about my birthing experience and the things I wished I had done differently.