Grief & mama-hood
The thing that they don’t prepare you for is losing someone you love. There are so many stories of loss that I’ve heard and some of my own. I felt inclined to share my story of grief of losing a parent my dad. I don’t think any amount of preparing for someone's passing truly can prepare you for the impact of that loss. How strong of a person you are doesn’t matter when it comes to the heart. We walk everyday in the world just living and not fully appreciating the nuances of life and the beauty of it all. Whether the person you loved was a freak accident or an illness the pain of not having that person on this earth with you is shattering.
My dad passed away almost 3 years ago and although time has helped distance the pain of the loss there are still waves of sadness that crashes onto you unexpectedly. Tears will flow freely at the thought of not being able to hear his voice again but only my old voicemails and in my dreams. The layers of grief they don’t prepare you for when you’re dealing with postpartum; so on top of being a new parent, figuring motherhood out and all the range of emotions you’re navigating, let's throw in your parent dying right before your eyes. Not knowing whether it’ll be the last time you hug and they hug you back or are able to look you in your eyes while the light is still there.
I wrote this after my father passed. As I look back on my life I try to remember the times. I go back scrolling through memories that were stored away and I hope to see myself being present in the moment. In those moments with my dad. I often wonder did he know how much I loved him? Was he aware of how hurt I was that we didn’t speak or how he didn’t get to see me pregnant. I dreamed of him while I was pregnant and in my dream we spoke and we hugged and he got to touch my belly. I make myself believe that was his soul that visited me because he knew how important that was to me and I know it meant alot to him too. There were so many times I do remember great memories together. Those are the ones I look back on and tell my son about. My son’s smile reminds me of my dads. When I see him smile I cherish his face and think that I just know my dad would have loved to watch him grow. I was a mom for 3 months when I was dealing with my dad being in the hospital on his deathbed.
The night I walked into my dad’s hospital room; he was laying on his side, cradled against the railing like a baby. I just remember my heart dropping seeing him like that and knowing there was nothing I could do for him but be there. The moment he heard my voice he looked up so quickly and sprung up. My presence watered him enough like a sunflower to the sun. Once we say our hellos he asks where the baby is. If I would have known that the last time my dad held my son his grandson I would have taken more pictures and tried to remember every moment throughout that day.
When you’re almost 3 months postpartum the days blend together. Meals come and go sometimes you forget to drink enough water. You’re on autopilot, going through the motions of the day, feeding your baby, keeping your baby alive and maybe getting a chance to shower and fold clothes that day. When you only just started talking with your dad again and going through the motions of understanding each other and getting back to regular calls and time spent together. Surely we had more time. When I told my dad I needed him during my pregnancy and how much it hurt not having him there I felt his soul shake. I knew I dropped a bomb because my dad cried and said I know. I told him how I wanted him to walk me down the aisle next year and have our father daughter dance. He said he wouldn’t miss it.
My mind knew that he was sick. He had lost over 50lbs and he was not a heavy man. He was frail; a man I barely recognized as my dad. My dad was strong, he walked with a stride you could catch a mile away. My dad walked daily and worked out and ate decently. In my mind my dad would grow old; we would be able to watch our dad grow old and he would be able to show up to all the kids' functions. He was going to be that grandpa that was so proud of his kids and grandkids. The one who carried all of our pictures in his wallet and on his phone. He would call just to say hello. He would move his day around if it meant having a chance to spend the days with me or my siblings. He would often meet me in the city after classes to have dinner with me and to walk me to Penn station to make sure I got there okay. I could call him at any time of day if I was lost in Manhattan and he would patiently walk me through the directions to find my way. Now here he was at NYU Langone weeks away from leaving us. I was like my mind knew this was coming; maybe not this soon but inevitable. My heart on the other hand held onto the hope that there would be a miracle.
I felt the call to share this story because there is hope. I recently had a call with my friend and spiritual healer Scarlett who I will be interviewing for my empowered mama segment so be on the lookout for that! I had an energy healing call with her and before our calls I always hope and wonder if my dad will come through. This recent call he came in hot and it was so healing for my soul and for my heart. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and as excited as I am to be a mommy again there’s a lingering sadness in knowing my dad won’t be here to meet her.
Scarlett brought up how my dad met her and knew her soul before sending her to me. The wild thing is that I had a dream last year around christmas time where my dad and I were in my childhood home and under the christmas tree there was a baby and I went to pick her up and passed her to him so he could hold her. In my dream he held her in his arms and smiled from ear to ear the same way he looked at my son the first time they met. I woke up knowing that he knew her and Scarlet reassured me that he did. She mentioned doing the work on the other side in helping me with my goal and moving them along and being my cheerleader. He told her that he knew I felt alone but reassured me that I wasn’t and that he was in fact there with me.
Y’all don’t understand my dad was a devout christian in the pentecostal church and if you know you know! I had to make amends before he passed away that he might not ever visit me because he didn’t believe in that stuff. So the moment he came to me in my dream after he passed I was so excited to see him and to know that he was still with me. Other times I had healing sessions with Scarlett he never came through like this so my soul is still radiating at knowing that he’s with me and I carry him with me everyday.