Call me mama
Why is it that we believe we need one niche in order to be seen or heard? There’s so many women out there that can do it all and also not be an expert at one thing specifically. I go back and forth with the thought of this. The thought of being the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect daughter, sister, friend. All this while balancing all the different levels of me, taking care of the parts of me that need me most.
The time for self-care, the time for calls with friends, and dinner dates with my husband. Trying to figure out where to fit in the time to do my hair and work on my yoga, try to finish that book I started two months ago. It just all seems so out of reach. The days where I keep my house immaculate are the days I don’t shower till midnight. The days where I took in every moment with my son and his laughter, while being fully present are so far and few in between. The days are spent managing the home trying to keep it all together and fit in some time to write.
It’s interesting because they say when you become a mother it’s no longer about you anymore and it’s always been such an odd thing to me. Of course when you become a mother your heart is walking outside of your body and your mind fixates on keeping them safe and fed and healthy and happy. But you are still there. You still matter. An even bigger reason to make sure that while you mother your children don’t forget to mother you as well. Make sure you’re fed, make sure you’re able to look inwards and see that you are so important.
Looking back at my life before I became a mom, yes I had the time to do what I pleased but I also didn’t fully utilize it to take care of me. I self-sabotaged before kids and now it’s an excuse. My people pleasing ways of wanting to take care of everyone else but myself was always there. My love language is acts of service and quality time. Like how could I not become the mother that doesn’t necessarily have all her shit together but when you need me I will be there.
I used to get frustrated with myself because I felt like I gave so much of myself so willingly but those around me didn’t reciprocate. Or at least in my mind the way I thought they should show me love which I now understand we all have different ways of loving giving and receiving and while by me always showing up for others and spending time with them was me giving my love their way of showing their love back was in the form of a gift or a hug or some words of affirmation. Not realizing that they were giving me that love back. Instead of seeing that during those years I grew bitter and stopped showing up so much for others but in turn I began showing up for myself in the form of self-love and spending quality time with myself. While doing that I had a lot of time to reflect and write and express my feelings through communication. Some lessons were hard once I returned to feeling more like myself.
Once I began opening myself up and letting go of the situations I made up in my head of what others felt towards me. So many nights I cried not knowing if anyone truly loved me. Now looking back I see that it wasn’t true. People still loved me and were there for me when I needed them most. There’s so much realization of myself before I became a mom and I wonder if 20 years from now I’ll be here writing a similar story to this point of my journey. I feel like I would look back and say not to stress it. That I did a good job and worked through so much to be where I am. I would look back and say you really showed up and tried your best everyday.
I know right now I can say I try my best although “best” is on a sliding scale. There’s so much that I want to accomplish and there’s so much unknown but what I do know is how far I’ve come. If I was 25 and met me today I would be so proud of what I’ve accomplished. I would be so proud to see me as a mother. Watching myself as a twenty something year old I would know that I fought hard to get to the place I am today.
I am looking forward to what’s to come. I know that each day I sit in my mind wondering what I can do with all my jack of trades and it all comes down to this. It all comes down to me wanting to tell a story. To talk to others, to relate, to build a community and to continue to empower others.