Dear Dad
I wonder if I look at you the same way you looked at me as I slept and now while you sleep. Thinking of life’s moments before all of this, up to this moment. Did you envision who I would become? Did you smile at me? I trace your face with my eyes. I see myself in you. It’s cruel how the cycle of life comes back. It’s haunting to know you watched me enter this world while I’ll see you go. All the time that has passed; the many memories in that moment now seem so far away, so distant. Time has a funny way of making itself known. Why do we see our loved ones suffer? What is that all about? The pain are like layers of sadness, and the moment you think it has washed over; there’s still the residue of you. The what if’s, the love, the pain, the sadness of the unknown and the never agains.
I’ll never again get to walk down 14th street with you or meet up for lunch or chat on the phone. I’ll never again get to hear you call me princess or kiss me on the cheek. I’ll never again get to hear your laugh if only in my dreams. Of all the never agains; I’ll miss you. I’ll have to think of you and remember those things. I’ll have landscapes to look at and streets to walk down in hopes to feel you there with me. I’ll catch glimpses of your smile and laugh in my mind. They play like an old rerun playing over and over hoping I don't forget the script.
I never thought I would live my life without you. I promise I thought we had more time. I wanted so badly to speak with you and hang with you like we once did. When we watched Karate movies or “The Little Giants”. I miss hearing your laugh after one of my silly jokes; what I wouldn't do to hear that again. To relive a moment to hear one of your stories that I’ve heard so many times. I would listen to those stories over and over again if I could and to live in the moment of you laughing so hard at your own jokes.
Looking back I think we disagreed on certain things but I would pay dollars to be able to argue just one more time. In realizing the irony of it being like arguing with myself. I got that passion from you. I sit here watching you sleep rethinking the past, wishing we had one more day to talk things out. Wishing we could go for a walk as we feel the breeze hit our faces, arms up as the wind wraps itself around us and hugs us as we pass through. I don’t even remember our last walk where we talked while we walked through boroughs. Each sidewalk felt like our own while we took in the views and enjoyed each other's company. Now I wonder if we’ll ever get to do that again. The nurse already came by a few times checking on you and looking at me with a sadness that seems familiar. We already know you have days hopefully weeks to live and all I can do is sit here with you taking it all in; as each moment feels like it can be the last I have of you and I together. I love you dad.